It’s been kind of a tough weekend for me. Our finances are just in complete disarray for a variety of reasons, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to navigate those. It’s been hard because I have a lot of my self-worth caught up in how well I can provide for my family. My wife tells me that it’s not all on me, but it sure feels like it. I keep thinking that I need to get a second job so I can work evenings and weekends but, for reasons that will become clear, I don’t think that’s possible.
Whenever I’m off work, like this weekend for instance, or in the middle of last week, I basically never get out of my pajamas. I don’t shower, I don’t clean up at all. I just sit around all day and can barely even get up to do anything. This is a marked change from a month ago, when we would spend all weekend Konmaring. I don’t want to do anything that I usually like to do, I’ve stopped reading the books I was reading, barely play records anymore. I mindlessly scroll through Twitter looking for that fix of whatever I’m looking for. I don’t even know what I’m looking for when I’m doing it. Interaction? Affirmation? It’s really hard to say. Anyway, to say things have deteriorated as far as my mental health goes.
I think I’m going to have to go back on Abilify which I don’t really want to do, but I really see no choice. I’m definitely worse off of it than I am on it. I’m just going to have to cope with the fact that it’s making me fat and prediabetic. So tonight I’m going to taper back up on that. I hate being dependent on chemicals to function, but I guess that’s just how my brain works.
The thing that sucks the most is I just can’t turn off the tape of negative self-talk, the one that tells me I’m stupid and a terrible worker, father, and husband. Intellectually, I know that it’s not true, but I think that when I am feeling lousy, I am much more susceptible to its effects, which just serves to make me feel worse. Today I woke up feeling like I was ready to take on the day and I’ve been up for 2 hours and have done next to nothing. I think I need to start making lists of things that I need to do – setting little goals for each day so that I have a direction in which to point myself. Right now, I feel like my only goal is to survive life and make it to my next day off, when I can not shower and just sit around all day.
I mean, I know that it was my own fault that I ruined the weekend for myself. I hate being in my 40s and feeling like I am a prisoner of my own life and brain chemistry. I really thought that by now, I would have worked it out.
My wife, who I feel is not as supportive as she could be, basically told me this weekend that she will not be drawn into the negative feelings pit with me, and who can blame her? I know I wouldn’t want to do that either. I told her that I don’t talk to her because she makes me feel like she doesn’t want to hear anything – something I perceive to be true – but perhaps it’s the way that I express myself that is causing the problem.
As it turns out, it really is my fault, not hers.
Still, this morning I can’t shake off the tired and lonely and depressed, but I know that things will get better. I’ve taken steps to improve things and I’m going to start reading the books I was reading again today in an attempt to normalize things a little bit. We do choose our own happiness – I truly believe that – but right now, I barely have the energy to get out of bed, let alone choose anything.